Fitness Cheerleader wanted to know the meaning behind my blog name. My blog was supposed to be called The Bikini Project. But two weeks into training it became pretty clear that this had nothing whatsoever to do with a damn bathing suit.
Geneen Roth wrote a book called “Women, Food and God.” I read it hoping it would solve my weight issues. It did not; but it did give me some insights. One thing in particular stands out in my memory: She said that people don’t want to be judged by their body, but by the “real” self inside them, as though the two were disconnected. Of course they are connected.
Your body is a mishmash of so many components: genetics, how you were raised, what you are eating, how much exercise you do, how you handle stress.
Genetically, I have a small frame but when I gain weight I look pregnant. (Further evidence that God is a) a man, b) has a wicked sense of humor.) I was raised on soda, chocolate chip cookies, McDonald’s, and watching my mother diet and gain back the same 20 lbs. ever since I can remember. She was never fat but never in shape very long either. But she was healthier than her mother, who was 4’8″ and 160 lbs.
My food intake was erratic at best. I did the Cabbage Soup Diet (but I used vegetable soup instead,) Slim Fast, Nutrisystem, Pericone Diet, Atkins Diet, Hollywood Diet, Kashi shakes, diet pills, water pills, Herbal Life, and variations of all of the above.
The first time I hit size 12 I turned to the Cayenne Pepper Lemonade “cleanse” which is really just a fancy way of saying starve yourself and take laxatives. Everything worked for a time and then stopped working and I was back to the original weight plus 7 more. Sometimes I just gave up.
I thought running marathons would keep me fit. They didn’t. I can run 10 miles without breaking a sweat. It’s just a mental game. Pick up your feet when you don’t want to. I thought joining a gym would make me fit. You would not believe how many personal training packages I bought over the past decade. And once the sessions were over, so was my fitness success.
Whatever mood I’m in can be justification for eating crap. I’m having a bad day, let me eat some chocolate cake. I’m having a good day. Let’s celebrate with some chocolate cake!
Last November it felt like the world was slipping through my fingers.
It felt like I was losing my husband. I was losing my youth. I was losing my looks. I was losing my money. My babies were growing up. So I sobbed in the parking lot of my daughter’s nursery school and prayed. “Please, God, please help me find my way.”
Soon after I met Chris at 24 Hour Fitness. I took $150 kept hidden in an envelope and bought a 3 pack of training sessions. I did not tell my husband. He would think it was a waste of money, just like all those other sessions. I was afraid he would be right. She told me about the bodybuilding competition she was entering and on the spot I knew this was what I was supposed to do.
Then I met Daniel and he really kicked my ass.
“I’m going to write a blog about bodybuilding, but I don’t know what to call it,” I said to Henri. “How about She’s Losing It?” he said. My lips twisted to a smile and I broke into a laugh. Oh yes, indeed, I’m losing it!
I’m losing the weight. I’m losing the excuses. I’m losing the yo-yo diets and the hang-ups about my age and looks. I’m finding some balance in my life and with my family.
I’m finding a better me.
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