I’m used to being the boss. My guess is that 99.9% of all mothers are THE BOSS at home, because we’re better at playing the bad cop than our spouses. I’ve held various management positions since I was 23 years old and have owned my own company for the past four years. I like being the boss because I am a Type-A personality. Type-A personality means give me a cup of coffee and a deadline and I’m your gal. I am also a control freak. I never volunteer to help out on a committee; I become the committee’s chairperson because I like having the control that comes with being the boss.
Anyone who manages people will from time to time have to deal with employees who need a little motivation. In most cases this can be handled fairly quickly and painlessly with a polite but firm chat. Other employees just don’t get it and they receive a speech known as, “Hi! I’m Your Boss.” Perhaps you’ve heard it or said it yourself. It is done with more finesse and tact and may not need to cover all the points below, but here is a quick summary of how the speech goes:
“You seem to be confused about the nature of our relationship. Allow me to clarify: Hi! I’m Your Boss. I know you want to come to work whenever the hell you want, take a two hour lunch, go home early and goof off all day, but that’s not going to work for me, so you’re going to knock your shit off RIGHT NOW. You don’t make the rules here; I do. You know why? Because I’m your boss.
Your start time is at 8 o’clock. Not 8:15, not 8:07, not 8:01. It’s at 8. What’s that? You want to know where I was until 9:30 this morning? Oh, sure. I was at a place called, ‘It’s none of your f***ing business where I was.’ Do you know why? Because I’m your boss, you’re not my boss; I don’t report to you.
Speaking of reports, the report is due on the first of the month. Not on the 5th, like when you like to hand it in. Do you know why it’s due on the 1st and not the 5th? Because I’m your damn boss and it’s due when I say it is. The first of the month is on the first of the month. Every month. See that “1” on the calendar? That’s when it is. I could give you my calendar if that will help you remember when your deadline is.
What’s that? You have a good excuse, I mean “reason,” why you hand in the report late every month? Uh huh. Oh! Ok. Would you like a side order of fries with that bulls**t? You’re too busy? Poor baby. I wouldn’t know anything about being busy. You are the only person in the entire world who has kids/a pet/a spouse/parents/bills to pay/grocery shopping to do/general and assorted other responsibilities. But guess what? You’re going to figure out a way to get me that report on time. You know why? ‘Cause I’m your boss. 🙂
What’s that? It would be easier for you if the report is done this other way? That’s nice; the report is to be done the way I want it done. I would love to explain to you why the report needs to be done this particular way and how it all ties in with this other year-end report but if you can’t handle a concept as simple and as basic as ‘I’m your boss’ then I’m really not going to waste my breath explaining my business rationale to you.
I see by the daggers in your eyes you are throwing at me that you a) are actually listening to me for once and b) don’t like me. Guess what? I’m totally cool with you not liking me. Know why? ‘Cause I’m not your friend; I’m your boss.
Well, this has been a real fun conversation. You can go back to your cubicle now and sulk like a spanked child for a few minutes, and then I expect you to do your job in the exact prescribed manner we just discussed.
Please leave my office door open, because even though I have a billion other things to do, right now I’m going to watch you to make sure that you are doing your job. Because that’s my job. Because I’m your boss.”
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