Turning 40 Sucks

I Feel Bad About My Neck and other thoughts on being a woman” by Nora Ephron goes off on books that say it’s great to be old.  Nora writes, “I can’t stand people who say things like this.  What can they be thinking?  Don’t they have necks?”  (Apparently when I turn 43 gravity will grab hold of my neck skin and not let go.)

40 is Fabulous (But 39 is even better.)

40 is Fabulous (But 39 is even better.)

I’m staring down the big 4-0 in February.  Since I already got through my midlife crisis last year turning forty is a bit of a let down.  The only thing left to do is fly to Vegas and have a big party.  And what happens in Vegas really will stay in Vegas because none of my friends know how to download the videos from their smart phones.Texting

Technology is not kind to middle age people.  I’m lucky that I had kids later in life.  At least I can be sure that someone in the house will know how to operate the remote control for the next eighteen years.

See, being an overachiever I had my midlife crisis at age 38 when I discovered that I had already been over-the-hill for three years without my knowledge.  It started when I asked a personal trainer about bodybuilding competition divisions and she told me the categories for women were sorted by height and age.  The “Masters” division was for older women.

  • “So that’s for like, what, 40-45 year olds?” I asked.
  • “35.”
  • “35?  Really?”

That couldn’t possibly be right.  I looked online and she was indeed correct.  Age 35 = senior citizen.  This must be a bodybuilding fluke.  But then I switched over to Yahoo and there was an article about a cougar cruise and it said the women on board were between 35 and 72.

When did this happen?  I thought 30 was the new 20.  How then could 35 be the new 40?  And how come men don’t have their midlife crisis until 50?  Men don’t live to be 100.  My husband’s midlife crisis should have been at 40, mine should be at 43 ½.

As usual, men have it easier.  A man going through a midlife crisis has two options:

willmiller.theworldrace.org

willmiller.theworldrace.org

  1. Buy a new sports car
  2. Boink a 19-year-old barista from Starbucks

Women, on the other hand, have three options:

  1. Grow old gracefully
  2. Have an “oops” baby
  3. Get the Mommy Special: breast implants and a tummy tuck

Regarding “grow old gracefully” – ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  So that left me the “oops” baby or plastic surgery options.  My problems with the “oops” baby option were that a) the kids would outnumber us and, b) I would have a midlife crisis reminder living with me for the next two decades.  That left plastic surgery, however, the only knife I could afford to go under at the time was the plastic one that came with my kids’ Play Doh set.

So I made a new option:  bodybuilding.  That worked for me.  Sort of the middle class woman’s solution to liposuction.  I have also discovered some similar techniques for defying aging on the cheap that you can try too:

Gangsta Shawty

Gangsta Shawty

  • Get bangs and tell people it’s to look like Taylor Swift.  Real reason?  $5 haircut = way more affordable than Botox
  • Hire a personal trainer younger than you.  He/she will teach you important things like what TTYL means and the difference between the word “Shawty” and “Shortie”
  • Ask your husband to run ahead and pay the bouncer to card you.

So while Nora Ephron was correct that getting older kinda sucks, I hope I have given you some useful techniques to handle this situation.

How do you deal with getting older?

Lisa

P.S. – My husband turned 50 earlier this year.  I didn’t want him to feel left out so I helped him experience his midlife crisis in a safe environment, which is to say I took him drag racing in San Antonio and purchased myself a Starbucks apron.

Sheslosingit.net (c) 2013 Lisa Traugott.  All rights reserved.  No portion of this blog, including any text, photographs, and artwork, may be reproduced or copied without written permission.

32 responses to “Turning 40 Sucks

  1. I’d rather be the 35 year old in the masters division then the 33 year old in the open against the 18 year olds! really? I looked that good at 18 too, before two kids etc. Grr… I sure hope this is’nt my midlife crisis. I always pictured it way more fun, like boinking the 20 year old guy at the starbucks counter. Laughed Out Loud (aka LOL) on this one. Well written.

    • I kind of wished they had a subcategories for moms. No one ever told me in my pregnancy classes about such fun things as stretch marks, “mother’s apron” and the effects of nursing. Hmpf!

  2. I adored turning 40 and am winding up to blast into 50 (I’m 47 and wilder than ever before)… A true believer in the mind over matter theory of aging and having parents that still dress cooler than I do, looking more amazing than ever at 64 and 69… I’m so not worried! 😉

  3. You are an amazing looking woman no matter what age! You can’t change the past but have certainly turned back the clock! You look far younger and I bet your body is actually more fit than most 30 year-olds.

  4. I appreciate and am grateful for each year. I was scared of turning 50, and then I ran the best half marathon I have ever run. Can’t turn back the clock so I am enjoying the journey…hoping it’s a long one! 🙂

  5. You’re spot-on here, Lisa. Being in good shape is the best revenge. According to your mid-life crisis timeline, I’m overdue, but I am happy to report that no one ever guesses my age (of course that’s coming mostly from the younger moms at school, whom I’m sure were taught to be kind to their elders). Bezzymates is right. You do look like you’re turning 30, and that’s just the face. Add that bod and you’re 25 – tops!

    • You do look amazing, and I don’t think anyone is kind to elders these days LOL
      Now where can I send you that money for posting such nice things about my youthful appearance on my blog. 😉

  6. Well happy birthday.

    And I’m with you on the weight lifting, best thing for it, age is no barrier and I think it helps keep us ageless.

    But here is my usual catch-cry on the subject of age. It is merely a statistic that seemingly we all have to have, but will only need if we intend to collect social security.

    My question is, how old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

    And by the way, you’re looking just fine 😉

  7. I ignore my age, and I think you should too. You’ve got a better body than most of the 20-somethings out there, and you’re fitter and healthier too. Age is in your mind – lose it! Enjoy life!

  8. I have bangs, but they curl up and can’t hide a darn thing. But you look fabulous! When you go to Vegas lemme in on it, and I super promise not to tweet ya 😉

  9. Great post! Very fun to read. And I must say that getting older is a very interesting thing. I start to see 25 year old’s and they look like 18 year old’s and so on. (I just turned 34). And no matter what you do to yourself, surgery, intense workouts, good diet ect. A 40 year old does not look like a 30 year old and a 30 year old does not look like a 20 year old (and so on) in the sunlight! 😉 So freaking what? Why should that be the goal anyway? Anyhow….good post! I am sure we all have some opinions about aging. You look fantastic by the way and your sense of humor is a blast! Love it! 🙂

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