Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 12, or as I like to call it, “The one day of the year I get to drink warm coffee.” There are many tomes about motherhood and parenting written by informed, scholarly people. Since I’ve had two children and write a blog, I believe this allows me the right to give you completely unsolicited advice that you should give the same weight and authority you might give a sincere passerby at the local mall. Here goes:
Some Practical Advice for New Mommies
- Mommy Wars. Invariably someone with an agenda will ask if you plan to be a working mom, stay-at-home mom or work-at-home mom. This question is filled with as many landmines as, “Do these pants make me look fat?” If cornered, usually by a relative, tell the truth: “I want to be the Baby Daddy,” then eat something so you can’t talk anymore.
- Sleep When the Baby Sleeps. This works best when you are in California and the baby is in Connecticut. Otherwise, just make peace with insomnia for about seven years.
- Gifts. At the baby shower don’t ask for Babies ‘R’ Us cards; ask for a Molly Maid. No one ever tells you how much laundry can be created by one eight pound bundle of joy.
- Bribery Works. If your first born is three or younger buy them a gift and say it’s from the baby. Little Brittany is more likely to buy into the whole “big sister” thing if she knows there’s an Elmo doll in it for her.
- Siblings Prove Accuracy of Murphy’s Law. When you have a second baby, the first born is likely to regress, but only when it is the most inconvenient time possible. For example, when you are nursing the baby, the first born may decide it is the perfect time to pee on the new carpet.
- Wine Helps… If you’re wondering where your ocean breeze serenity candle went then notice blue poop in the toilet bowl, you might have a toddler. If your favorite bedtime story is, “Go the F*** to Sleep,” you might have a toddler. Footprints made with newly purchased mascara from Mac? Toddler in the house.
- Avoid Lego’s. Lego’s are the herpes of childhood toys. Once they get in your house they scatter and you will always find the missing piece at three a.m. when you step on it. Barefoot.
- Pretend you never got the notice about the PTA meeting.
Be sure to check back in with me ten years from now when I have such insights about how to deal with sexting in junior high and the best wine to drink when your daughter starts driving.
How about you? Do you have any good parenting advice?
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