Lululemon’s CEO, Christine Day, stepped down from the position on Monday. Today, the company tweeted an online application for the position and a list of requirements. Guess who just applied for CEO?
Dear Lululemon HR/Board of Directors:
My name is Lisa Traugott and I am applying for the position of CEO. Before reviewing my resume, let me start by saying words like “qualifications” and “experience” are SO overrated. For example, last year at 29% BMI and age 38, I decided to enter a bodybuilding bikini competition, something I literally knew nothing about, on a whim (because when you’re middle aged and borderline obese, is there really a better time to enter a bikini competition?)
Long story short I lost 50 lbs in five months, got certified to be a personal trainer, and now I blog about all things fitness on ShesLosingIt.net. So, I’m a firm believer in pursuing results and figuring out the details along the way.
Speaking of minor details, the recent Luon pants wardrobe malfunction left your company covering its downward facing dog. I have a solution to recoup some of that $67 million in lost revenue. As CEO, I would gather all the recalled pants and re-brand them with some names my blog readers helped me come up with: (See? Problem Solver, right here)
- Peek-A-Boo Pants
- Now You See Them/Now You Don’t
- Barely Blocked Booty’s
Honestly, Christine Day is a hard act to follow. Under her leadership the stock rose from $4 per share in 2009 to more than $80 before her departure. Considering she was able to do this selling $98 yoga pants during the Great Recession, I daresay she pulled off a bit of a miracle.
But I know a thing or two about miracles as well. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but when you state your fitness goals aloud and not one but two use the word “miracle” in response, well that’s pretty special. With my first trainer, Daniel Rufini, it was, “Hey, Daniel, I’d like to perform an Operation Ass Lift before my next bikini ,” and his response was (this is an actual quote here) “I’m not a .”
When I started an all women’s bodybuilding team called Mel’s Machines earlier this year, I told my new trainer, Melissa Merritt Coker, “I would like to do theShredder in April in the figure division and aim for 5th place,” and her response was, “Well sometimes miracles do happen, but let’s aim for the Adela competition in June.”
The competition is next week. I’m not sure I will win anything, but I do have a rounded booty now, so I know that miracles truly can happen. But I digress.
In looking through your application, I see that having Oprah on my speed-dial is a prerequisite and I must be a direct descendent of Phidippides. Not to brag but, I can pull up just about any episode of Oprah on my smart phone pretty darn quick, and I run at the speed of walking. (Seriously – at my first marathon a guy with one leg and a roller-blade beat me across the finish line.)
Ok, I just proof-read my letter (See? Detail. Oriented.) and it appears that I am actually not qualified to be the CEO, as I am not very good at yoga. But, all the girls on my team LOVE-LOVE-LOVE Lululemon clothes (for real) and
we would be most grateful to model some clothes for your company
should you decide reward CEO applicants with “thanks for playing” yoga apparel. And considering I just lost 50 lbs., I’ve been modelling my own peek-a-boo pants, as my sweats keep falling down, so any new clothes would be greatly appreciated.
Good luck on your search!
P.S. – Here are some posts you might like:
- Post about Lululemon: Quick! Cover Your Downward Facing Dog!
- Post about miracles: Trolls and Miracles
- A little something about me: Turning 40 Sucks
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