I’ve discovered my calling. I want to be a Bond Girl. No, not a bond trader on Wall Street; a badass secret agent packing heat under her glamorous evening gown. Also I would like to look hot in a bikini and do ninja moves. My trainer is working with me on this.As it appears that the review process for my application to be the new CEO of Lululemon is taking much longer than I anticipated, it’s time for me to expand my search of job opportunities. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still in the running for the CEO position. Not to brag, but their last communication to me was pretty sweet. They wrote, and this is a partial quote here, “We received your application for the position at Lululemon. Please do not reply to this email.” That’s pretty impressive.
How did this spy career choice enter my mindscape? My husband, Henri, got a copy of Skyfall for us to watch last night. I don’t mean to be a spoiler here, but I’m going to tell about the plot. “But, Lisa,” you’re thinking, “That movie came out almost a year ago. How could you possibly spoil something that’s already stale?” What? You think I’m the only person out there with small children and no relatives nearby to babysit? There’s an entire island of us out-of-date parents who have no idea that Katniss survived the Hunger Games. (Oops! Sorry!)
Judi Dench was in the movie A LOT, which was pretty nice, because it goes against typical female movie character trajectory. If you don’t know what that trajectory is, let me explain:
- Baby – Girl is born in movie. She is crying in a white blanket. Or pink. Depends how traditional the movie is.
- Preschooler – Cute blonde girl, age 4ish, says something adorable to the father figure in the movie. If this is a comedy this sweet dialogue will also include the word f*** because that’s shocking and funny in movies. In real life if a kid dropped the F bomb the mother would smack the father upside his head and said, “I told you she repeats everything!”
- Teenager – You think that going to 0-4 in less than 30 seconds of movie time is a jump, how about from 4 to 17 in a nanosecond? This is where all the good-girl-turns-bad scenarios and/or mushy romance stories come in. The girl playing the role is about the right age. Everyone else in the high school movie is played by people in their early to mid twenties.
- 20’s Ingenue – This is the prime of the actresses’ career. She will hold on to age 24 for dear life because that’s where all the sexy roles live. Clothing is very short and tight and high heels are required, no exceptions. Not everyone can be the bad girl. Some girls just get to date really hot 20something men with their shirts off.
- Mom – A mom has to wear a buttoned cardigan. It’s the rule. She also has to get a haircut. Her only purpose in the movies is to serve breakfast and to tell the kids not to do something that they will end up doing with hilarity later. Why don’t moms ever eat lunch in the movies? Sometimes they eat dinner if the dad has a bad day and feels the need to dramatically throw the steak dinner against the wall to prove a point (that he’s a total douche). Mom age ranges from 36-39. She has to have a fine balance of crinkles around her eyes but Botox in her forehead so she still looks pretty.
Wait! I forgot…
- Crazy old lady – Must have gray hair and be funny, but also able to quietly reveal the true meaning of Christmas.
So my question is…where do all the women in movies go between the ages of 40 and 84? Can’t they at least run a store or something?
That’s why I liked the Bond movie. Judi Dench played a prominent role and was completely unsentimental. There is hope for the movies! But in the meantime, I want to be a sexy Bond Girl. Now, I know by all rights I should be preparing myself to disappear for several decades, and I do love sweaters, but I think I can pull it off if I carry a light diffuser with me at all times so my skin looks right.
What about you? Who do you want to play in a movie?
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